I have been a Christian for all my life. I grew up in the church. Went to Sunday school. Acted in the annual Christmas musical. Lead the church congregation in songs of worship. Been baptized in the ocean. Prayed for the sinners. Spoke in tongues. I did it all. But all that stopped after I was kicked out of the church.
I had only just started attending Lifehouse Church in Yokohama, before I found myself being threatened with arrest if I was to come back, as if I wanted to go back there. Pastor Josh was a prejudice man, and did not know what to do with a homosexual Christian and because he saw me as a danger to his community he told me that if I came back to his church then he would have me arrested. The crazy thing is, that one of his lame excuses that Pastor Josh came up with to rationalize his decision to kick me out, was because I wouldn't sign an agreement that all church volunteers were required to sign. And one of the two policies that I could not agree with was something about not being "judgmental." (I just didn't agree with the phrasing of the policy, because it was too vague and unclear, and could be interpreted in many different ways.) He was kicking me out of church because I did not agree with a policy about not being judgmental, yet he was going against that exact policy by judging me which lead to his decision to kick me out of church. He was violating the exact church policy, that he was claiming to be kicking me out of the church for not agreeing to! The assistant pastor, Monci, later told me that things might have gone differently if I had told him that I was struggling with homosexuality. The problem with that statement was that, I was not "struggling" with homosexuality. Before I started going to that church I had decided that I was done with struggling with homosexuality. God knew my heart. God knew that I loved Him and trusted Him with my life. So one day I decided that I was not going to worry about homosexuality anymore. Me and my sexuality is in God's hands, and I trust Him to have His way in my sexuality and my life. And that was the end of the life-long struggle of trying to change something about myself that clearly was not going to change, and was not meant to "change" but rather naturally evolve and develop. So, I never told anyone that I was "struggling" with my sexuality because honestly, I had already gave it to God and trusted Him to do with it as He saw fit. And by the way, releasing the worry and struggle with my sexuality was incredibly freeing, and was one of the best revelations that I have ever had regarding my relationship with my heavenly Father.
The problem with the Christian church is that they believe everyone needs to be "saved", and by that they mean that everyone needs to become a Christian, as if Christians have all the answers. Growing up within the church, I totally believed this delusion. And thank God I was kicked out of church! Because I now see how limited the Christian religious view of God is. Granted the Christian religion has a lot of insight into the mystery and complexity of God, but there is so much more to who God is outside of a religion, and the problem with the Christian church is that they believe that God can only be defined within their religious guidelines. There is so much more to God than what can be found within a religion.
I realized this one day when I was listening to the book, Jesus Calling, and thought about how I always hear people say things about "the universe" and all that new age stuff about it. So I started praying and I asked God, "Are you the universe?" And he replied, "I am the conductor of the universe." And I was like, "Yes! Of course, You are!" It was so simple and clear. God is not "the universe" but rather He is the mind of the universe, the conductor of the great symphony that is our reality.
And that is when I realized that I could still believe in God and Jesus Christ, without having to be a part of a religious organization.
I knew that when Pastor Josh told me that if I came back to the church that he would have me arrested, it was a life altering moment for me. I knew that my life would never be the same after that. But what I didn't know was that I would one day be grateful for his prejudice actions.
For as long as I can remember I have been attracted to guys. And for as long as I can remember, I have always shamed myself for it. I grew up in an American Christian culture, and homosexuality is a clear sin according to that cultures standards. For as long as I can remember, I have tried to change my sexuality and have failed over and over again.
I am now in a more accepting place of myself and my feelings. I no longer shame myself for feeling a way that I don't have the power to change. I no longer allow myself to feel bad about having sexual feeling toward another man. I'm fully over hating myself for not being able to change into someone that other people think that I should be. I'm in a better place, and the main catalyst that helped me grow into the man that I am today is being kicked out of church.
I am a believer in calling. I believe that God has given each person unique gifts and abilities to be used to better humanity and the course of our eternal story. And although I have been given many gifts from my Creator, one of my gifts that I have chosen to incorporate into my career is being able to work with children. Not everyone is blessed with this ability. This is truly a gift that only a few people have and He chose to give it to me to better the World. And I have done exactly that. I do it everyday through teaching and counciling, and coaching. But that life transforming event of being kicked out of church, could have stopped me from achieving all that I have done these past years.
I was attending a church in Yokohama, Japan called Lifehouse International Church Yokohama, and one day I got a phone call from one of the leaders. He said that he got a message from a former attendee, someone who had not been to that church for over a year, and the message said some very slanderous things about me. It said that I was a pedofile. I was shocked, I didn't know where this was coming from. I didn't know why this person, who had not been to the church over a year, was all of a sudden messaging the leader of the church and saying such horrible things about me. I knew who this person was, and I had never been around him when I was working with children, so I didn't understand why he was spreading this horrible rumor about me.
One day when I went to church, the head pastor, Josh, took me aside and told me that he didn't want me to be around anyone younger than me. I told him that 80% of the people inside the service was younger than me, how is that possible? He realized that it wasn't, so he told me that I could never come back to church again, and if I did he would have me arrested. I sympathized with him. I told him that I understood that he was doing what he thought he needed to do to protect his followers. This made sense to me because even I hated myself at that time. I thought that there was something wrong with me because of being homosexual, so I accepted why he was kicking me out of church.
Only years later did I realize how wrong my thinking was, and the true reason why Pastor Josh kicked me out of church. He was acting out of fear of something that he didn't understand, and prejudice against homosexuals. And I was acting out of the same reasons too. I finally realized that the shame and hatred that I had toward myself and my sexuality was my greatest weakness. It was my greatest mistake.
Thank God that He is not confined to a building! Thank God that even though I was kicked out of church, I wasn't kicked out of my relationship with Him. Because of this grace, I was able to continue to grow spiritually and understand who He is more, who I am more, and how much my Creator loves and accepts me. And if He loves and accepts me, then I should love and accept myself, because if I didn't then that would be going against what He wants, and that would be wrong. So I decided to choose to love myself, and understand myself, and better myself, and become the man who He created me to be, instead of the person that the church wanted me to be.
God has given you a special calling. He has formed you with unique interests and abilities that make you perfect to help others and to make a positive difference in this world. And when people slander your name, and tear you down, just see it as their way of confirming that you are on the right path. Keep learning and growing to become the person that you were created to be, and don't let anyone steal that from you! Not ever!
“Why are you even still a Christian.” my friend Kyle said to me.
It’s because I understand two things to be true.
First, people are meant to be representations, and reflections of God, but they are not meant to be God. This means that they are not perfect and they get things wrong. I myself have transformed in my own realization of what it means to be a follower of Christ, as opposed to a follower of a "religion". People get it wrong and if I would like grace when I fail then I need to give it when others fail too, even if they haven't apologized or changed their way and thinking. I know that a person is the result of everything in their life that made them into who they are. So maybe Josh, the pastor who kicked me out of church because of my sexuality, was brought up with certain types of thoughts and beliefs that facilitated his prejudice. Who is to blame for a person being brought up like this? The person who “should know better” and “be more understanding of other sexualities”? Or the person who raised him to reject and feel danger from those who have a different sexuality than himself? I myself have had to go through my own evolution of what I believe about human sexuality and theological teachings. And if I had to go through that process and would appreciate it if someone else could be understanding of that fact, then I need to lend that same amount of understanding to others who themselves are on their own path to higher understandings of who God is and what to believe.
Second, I know God! He speaks to me and through me. He works through me and uses me to further His master plan in this universe. I also know myself! And I know that I can be very far from perfect and very far from who God is. I never ever want people to put their understanding of who God is, by watching who I am. But this is the fact of our Earthly existence. We can not physically see God so what we do is look for him through our environment and everything and everyone who is a part of it. And it is inevitable that some people might judge God by looking at my actions and listening to my words. Please! Oh, please! Make the distinction. Please never judge who God is by judging who a person is. Because no one can be God. But when we know God. When we understand who He really is. Then we can judge God, not only by our environment, but also through our everyday conversations with Him and by studying who His Word.
It’s all apart of the incredible journey. And we all need to be understanding of others, no matter what part of that journey they may be on. We all need to show others the same amount of grace that we would like to receive ourselves.
This video is about how to hear God. And because hearing God is the best way to get to know Him, it's a great place to start from.
About a month ago, I was watching a message where the minister asked the audience to think of one area in their life that they were very happy in. I realized that there was no area in my life that I felt completely happy and content in. And this realization made me so sad. I couldn't understand why that was. Then God told me that it's because I don't have joy anymore. He told me that even the people around me can feel that I am missing my joy.
This past June, I was kicked out of the church I was attending, Lifehouse Yokohama. The pastor, named Josh, told me that I am a dangerous person and he doesn't want me around his congregation. It was such an impacting statement, and once he said it, something told me, that I shouldn't accept what he just said as a fact and believe that about myself. I shouldn't take those words into myself and accept them as my identity. But another part of me wondered if what he was saying was right, because I have heard the devil telling me that same thing over and over again for the past 3 years. The devil kept telling me that I am a terrible Christian and that I am a danger to the other church people. The reason why I knew it was the devil is because, the devil wanted me to seclude myself from the church and be in a position where I wouldn't be able to grow within the body of Christ. Isn't it crazy that the exact thing that the devil had been telling me for so many years, came out of the mouth of my pastor. How could I not at least consider it to be true, when my own pastor was telling me the exact thing that I had been hearing for so many years.
I should probably tell you why the pastor kicked me out. It's kind of a long story. I don't even know where to begin. About 3 years ago I used to attend a church called Every Nation Yokohama. There I met 2 friends, Wong and Shige. They were both non-Christians but really enjoyed going to services because of the friendly atmosphere. I thought they were both very good looking guys and I flirted with both of them to try to get them to like me. Wong and I became very good friends. Shige and I became very good friends.
Shige and I would talk about doing music together, but after trying to do a few songs with him, I realized that we didn't really connect musically. But I didn't tell Shige this. I just never pursued doing music with him again, but I still wanted to be friends. I thought that that's what he wanted too. But I think he was actually really upset at me because I never asked him to play music with me again.
Wong and I were really good friends too. Wong wanted to be friends too and I wanted the same, but one day I got really drunk with Wong and was very handsy with him. He seemed to enjoy it and thought it was funny and amusing. Even after that day, we would be really close with each other but we were only friends and that's all we both wanted. I didn't want anything more.
One night Shige, Wong, and I went to a small concert. I had already assumed that Shige only wanted to be friends because he would never respond to my flirting (neither negatively or positively. just not real reaction at all.). But Wong on the other hand, enjoyed my flirting and was totally fine with it. That night we were all having a really nice time. But when were we on the train heading home Shige gave me an off look when he saw me be very cuddly with Wong.
After that Shige didn't talk to me for about 6 months. Every now and then, I would try to see how he was doing and ask to meet up, with no responds. I didn't know what was wrong. All I knew was that he didn't like it when he saw me being touchy with Wong. I had no idea why he was upset. When he did finally contact me, all he said was to take down certain pictures that he was in on facebook. So I did, but I asked him why, and he didn't respond. Another 6 months go by, and it has now been a year since I last saw him, and after I checked up on him again, he again asks me to take down other pictures that he is in on my facebook and now on my instagram too. I tell him that I will do it once he explains to me why the heck he stopped talking to me and why he is asking me to take down these pictures. He then sends me very threatening messages about how it's illegal to post pictures of other people and that he will call the police on me. He then calls me a child predator and says that he will throw me into jail if I don't do what he says. I am totally shocked by this. I had no idea where all this rage was coming from. I hadn't spoken with him for a year, and I had no idea that he had so much anger and hatred toward me. He then tells my pastor, named Monci, of Lifehouse Yokohama church (who Shige knew but hasn't spoken to in a year), that I have illegal pictures of Shige on facebook and that I am a child predator. Pastor Monci then tells his boss pastor, Josh, the head of the church, about this and also tells Josh about this time when he saw me sitting on a packed out couch (there was maybe 5 people sitting on the couch at the same time), in the lap of a member that goes to the church (let's call him Masa).
Now I need to back track and tell you that Masa, used to hold my hand when we did things together in a group. Masa would hug me and hold me when he saw me in church. Sometimes we would be walking side-by-side and he would take my hand and hold it. I have no problem with people holding my hand and it was very comforting, but I was never sexually or romantically attracted to Masa.
Anyways, pastor Josh, after hearing that Shige called me a child predator and hearing that Monci saw me being touchy with Masa on a sofa, then decides that I should be kicked out of the church because he deems that I am dangerous. Prior to this, pastor Josh has only had positive interactions with me. Anything that he would ask me to do, to help out the church I would do without complaint or question. Josh didn't even talk to me before making the decision (of kicking me out) to see what is true or not, he just knows that my sexuality is different than others and he didn't want me in his church anymore. That's when he tells me that I am a dangerous person and that if I ever come back to church again, he will have me arrested by the police. Can you imagine how traumatizing that was for me to hear? I don't ever see myself healing from something like that. I believe that that pastor was acting not out of a well informed place, but was instead acting our of his own prejudice, thinking that if I am the type of guy that flirts with other guys, I must also be a child predator. I had never experienced such prejudice in my life.
For some reason, with Jesus Christ, I will always be accepted and welcomed, but when it comes to His people, His hands and feet on this Earth, if I am not the kind of person that fits into their church mold, then I am seen as a predator and a dangerous person. When it comes to God's people, I am told that if they see me again, they will have me arrested for stepping foot into the house of God, because I am not welcome there anymore, not because of who I actually am, but because of what their prejudice says about me. You know how they say that the best place to find your mate is within the church. I truly believed that and took it to heart. Because I was trying to find a boyfriend, the church was one of the places that I would try to find one. I mean, if I got a Christian boyfriend, then we would have a lot of things in common such as beliefs and values, which are very important in a relationship. So what better place to find a mate than in church, right? Well, it turns out that if my sexuality is different than others, then I am not allowed to find love within the church. Not only am I not allowed to look for love within the church, I am considered "dangerous" if I actively look for it there. I can not imagine a girl being kicked out of church for sitting on the lap of another girl, or a boy's lap for that matter. Especially when everyone was just having a good time and the couch was packed. I can't imagine a girl being kicked out of church for flirting with a guy, but when it's a homosexual thing it gives the pastor cause to kick me out of church. There was a man who was kicked out of the church a few weeks before me, and I felt so bad for him. I could see that he was being bound by so many troubles in his life, and he was searching for someone to help him. He kept asking people to hangout but everyone was uncomfortable with hanging out with him. No one ever welcomed him in. I wonder if they could see what I saw in him. Maybe the reason why I knew what was happening to him on the inside is because, the same thing was happening to me. I felt trapped and bound in a darkness just like he was. Whenever I looked at him, I saw myself. And then when I heard that he was kicked out of the church (for going kinda crazy during a service) I felt like it was just a matter of time till I was kicked out as well, because we were going through the same thing. We were both stuck and struggling, trying to reach out for help but never being able to get freedom. I forgot to mention that before Josh decided to kick me out of church, he instead told me that I wasn't allowed to talk or interact with anyone younger than me. He said that if I interacted with anyone younger than me, then we would have a big problem. This would also mean that if someone came up to me to talk with me or greet me, I would need to walk away from them, without explanation. More than 75% of the people that go to that church is younger than me, so Josh was telling me that I wasn't allowed to talk to more than 75% of the people at that church. How is that even possible? I mean, I would not have been able to even be near 75% of the people at the church. What did he expect me to do, stand in a corner during praise and worship time, just to make sure I am away from 75% of the people at the church? Ridiculous. And prejudice. And impossible. And cruel.
I haven't been to a church since. It's been 3 months. I have changed sooooo much ever since that incident. I have started being more open about my sexuality and have been telling more people that I like guys. I don't know why this traumatic event caused me to become more open about myself. Maybe, it's because I realized that no matter if I say it or not, people are either going to accept me or reject me, and I would rather be honest and upfront about myself, so that when they accept me or reject me, I'll know that they are accepting or rejecting me for being me. And it was just too hard to hide my sexuality anymore. I want a boyfriend and how am I ever supposed to have a relationship, if I'm trying to keep my sexuality on the down low?
Ever since I realized that I am not fully happy in any area in my life, and that the reason for this is because I am missing joy, I have been really wanting to find a new church. But at them same time I have this thought in the back of my mind. "They rejected me before, why would another church accept me? Aren't they all one church anyways?" Last week Sunday, I woke up early to go to church. I got ready and everything but as I was on the way to Yokohama Hope Chapel, I realized that the place where they were having their service that particular morning was in the same building that my last church has it's services, the one with the pastor that told me that if I ever stepped a foot back into his church again, he would have me arrested. So I turned my butt back around and just went back home because I didn't feel safe going to church. I know that I need to be in a Christian community. I need people who can speak wisdom, and guidance into my life. I need to be around others who are in constant communication with God, because right now I feel so far from Him. I can't hear His voice clearly anymore. And I want to. But I am so afraid of going back into a church. Because I know that there are things about myself that are not up to the standard of the modern day Christian church. I am worried that Christians will reject me, or worse be afraid of me. It's like being in a hole that I can't climb out of. I want someone who understands that even though I have my baggage, and even though some bitter person has slandered my name, they can know all of that information (my sexuality, my story of being kicked out of a church, my mess ups, my slandered name, my fears) and still not be afraid to reach out to me. I'm so afraid that there isn't a church that will show that level of grace toward me. It feels like too much to ask for.
While I was watching a message online I asked God, "What do you want me to do next? And give me the courage and strength to do it," because I know that He has been calling to me. God replied that tonight, all He wants me to do is really grasp His love for me. At the end of the sermon, they play a short film about a father who does triathlons with his handi-capable son. While the father runs, his son is being pushed in a big stroller. While the father is swimming, his son is being pulled in a raft. While the father bikes, his son is riding in a connected cart. God was telling me that I am that boy. He can't move for himself. He can't lift himself. He can't do anything without being carried by his father. That is me! I am stuck and trapped. I am immobilized and handicap but he is carrying me, and pulling me, and pushing me toward the finish line. And He does it all, just because He loves me. And that is what He told me to do next. To try to understand that kind of love. The kind of love that carries me through even though I am not worthy of it, even though I am not even able to stand on my own, even though others won't stand with me. He is there, pulling me toward the finish line to victory, and he even pointed out that when the father crossed the finish line, his son felt just as much a winner as his father felt. And that is what He told me that I will feel when I reach the finish line. I'll feel accomplished and victorious, even though I didn't do any of the work, it was all Him yet all for me.
Sinks to wash your hands can be found in food courts and outside of restrooms in certain restaurants.
Everyone is polite.
You are very safe, everywhere you go.
No one will steal your things. Even if you leave it somewhere and leave the area.
Great train systems and public transportation systems!
Cheap shoes!
High quality skincare products and makeup is pretty cheap. And there are so many options!
Skiing!!! (and snowboarding) These sports are huge in Japan.
Seasonal foods and fashions get you in the mood for the seasonal celebrations.
Alcohol isn't considered taboo at all. You can drink while riding public trains. I have even seen some alcohol that a teacher made to share with the other staff people at school.
They are perfectionist when it comes to business, from food to service to giving change when paying at a convenience store.
Convenience stores are everywhere! And they have so many things that you might need! So much more convenient than in America.
You can pay your bills at any convenience store or post office / bank.
Uniqlo, H&M, and GU are very trendy clothing shops that have affordable clothes. The only thing is that the quality might be pretty low (even if it looks great) and they might only last 1 year.
Refills!!! Shampoo, Bodywash, Laundry detergent, Face wash! America really needs to start doing this! It's way cheaper and eco-friendly.
Gender specific marketing for everything!
TV shows, skincare products, toys
Presentation is more important than quality
clothes, food, skincare, fruit
Fruits are ridiculously expensive because high quality is very important and they will only sell the best in regular supermarkets.
If you are a foreigner, it doesn't matter if you speak perfect Japanese, some people just have it set in their minds that they can't understand what you are saying because of your race.
Don't look at anyone in the eyes while in public.
Sugar coating and beating around the bush equals being polite.
Some people are extremely and unashamedly racist toward anyone who is not Japanese.
If you want to be pretty you must look like a 13 year old girl.
13 year old girls are considered sex icons for men of all ages.
The Japanese face is the most beautiful and if you are not Japanese, you will never be considered as comparably beautiful. Koreans are an exception to this rule.
So much bread and fried foods. (Yet they never get fat!)
Getting contacts or glasses is so confusing. The most frustrating thing is you must buy your glasses or contacts from the same place you get your prescription. If you don't, they won't give you service. I actually had to lie to to a clinic and tell them that I would buy contacts from their store, but then ran out after quickly paying for my doctor visit and getting my prescription numbers (I couldn't even get the prescription paper. I could only get the number and escape.).
Physical affection is very uncomfortable and rarely done.
Being close to someone else is impolite and a violation of personal space, unless you're on the train and you're literally crammed butt to face with a crap load of people. Only then is it totally appropriate. Just don't look at anyone in the face.
restaurant napkins are like plastic sheets! Imagine using Saran Wrap as a napkin!
Gender stereotypes are extreme. Girls will not play soccer or baseball even if they enjoy it, just because it's not a "girl" thing to do.
Clothes from Uniqulo or GU or H&M are very trendy but never last more than a year. I guess if we pay a cheap price, we shouldn't expect very much.
As the time of my nose surgery gets closer I find myself with mixed emotions.
I'm really excited to get a new nose and have a face that I'm proud to take pics of and show off but at the same time I think... how much of myself will I need to change in order for people to think I am beautiful? I pride myself with having this mind set of not caring what others think of me but really there is a certain pint where what others think affects the way I look. I always say that the reason I change my hair or take care of my skin is because I care about what I look like, and I want myself to look good. And I would then say, I don't care if other people don't like my hairstyle. The main thing is that I like my hair style. If I don't like my hair, then there's a big problem, but the fact that someone else doesn't like is not going to make me change my hairstyle. I really don't care what others think, I care what I think!
Then I find myself thinking, I need to get some new clothes, and maybe try on those colored contacts that are so popular, I also really need to start working out for my overall health. These things are not bad things, but it just makes me question if I do it all, am I not being true to myself. Am I just wearing a beautiful mask because I actually feel that me without all that crap isn't beautiful enough for other people?
