For as long as I can remember I have been attracted to guys. And for as long as I can remember, I have always shamed myself for it. I grew up in an American Christian culture, and homosexuality is a clear sin according to that cultures standards. For as long as I can remember, I have tried to change my sexuality and have failed over and over again.
I am now in a more accepting place of myself and my feelings. I no longer shame myself for feeling a way that I don't have the power to change. I no longer allow myself to feel bad about having sexual feeling toward another man. I'm fully over hating myself for not being able to change into someone that other people think that I should be. I'm in a better place, and the main catalyst that helped me grow into the man that I am today is being kicked out of church.
I am a believer in calling. I believe that God has given each person unique gifts and abilities to be used to better humanity and the course of our eternal story. And although I have been given many gifts from my Creator, one of my gifts that I have chosen to incorporate into my career is being able to work with children. Not everyone is blessed with this ability. This is truly a gift that only a few people have and He chose to give it to me to better the World. And I have done exactly that. I do it everyday through teaching and counciling, and coaching. But that life transforming event of being kicked out of church, could have stopped me from achieving all that I have done these past years.
I was attending a church in Yokohama, Japan called Lifehouse International Church Yokohama, and one day I got a phone call from one of the leaders. He said that he got a message from a former attendee, someone who had not been to that church for over a year, and the message said some very slanderous things about me. It said that I was a pedofile. I was shocked, I didn't know where this was coming from. I didn't know why this person, who had not been to the church over a year, was all of a sudden messaging the leader of the church and saying such horrible things about me. I knew who this person was, and I had never been around him when I was working with children, so I didn't understand why he was spreading this horrible rumor about me.
One day when I went to church, the head pastor, Josh, took me aside and told me that he didn't want me to be around anyone younger than me. I told him that 80% of the people inside the service was younger than me, how is that possible? He realized that it wasn't, so he told me that I could never come back to church again, and if I did he would have me arrested. I sympathized with him. I told him that I understood that he was doing what he thought he needed to do to protect his followers. This made sense to me because even I hated myself at that time. I thought that there was something wrong with me because of being homosexual, so I accepted why he was kicking me out of church.
Only years later did I realize how wrong my thinking was, and the true reason why Pastor Josh kicked me out of church. He was acting out of fear of something that he didn't understand, and prejudice against homosexuals. And I was acting out of the same reasons too. I finally realized that the shame and hatred that I had toward myself and my sexuality was my greatest weakness. It was my greatest mistake.
Thank God that He is not confined to a building! Thank God that even though I was kicked out of church, I wasn't kicked out of my relationship with Him. Because of this grace, I was able to continue to grow spiritually and understand who He is more, who I am more, and how much my Creator loves and accepts me. And if He loves and accepts me, then I should love and accept myself, because if I didn't then that would be going against what He wants, and that would be wrong. So I decided to choose to love myself, and understand myself, and better myself, and become the man who He created me to be, instead of the person that the church wanted me to be.
God has given you a special calling. He has formed you with unique interests and abilities that make you perfect to help others and to make a positive difference in this world. And when people slander your name, and tear you down, just see it as their way of confirming that you are on the right path. Keep learning and growing to become the person that you were created to be, and don't let anyone steal that from you! Not ever!
