Beautiful Enough

As the time of my nose surgery gets closer I find myself with mixed emotions.

I'm really excited to get a new nose and have a face that I'm proud to take pics of and show off but at the same time I think... how much of myself will I need to change in order for people to think I am beautiful? I pride myself with having this mind set of not caring what others think of me but really there is a certain pint where what others think affects the way I look. I always say that the reason I change my hair or take care of my skin is because I care about what I look like, and I want myself to look good. And I would then say, I don't care if other people don't like my hairstyle. The main thing is that I like my hair style. If I don't like my hair, then there's a big problem, but the fact that someone else doesn't like is not going to make me change my hairstyle. I really don't care what others think, I care what I think!

Then I find myself thinking, I need to get some new clothes, and maybe try on those colored contacts that are so popular, I also really need to start working out for my overall health. These things are not bad things, but it just makes me question if I do it all, am I not being true to myself. Am I just wearing a beautiful mask because I actually feel that me without all that crap isn't beautiful enough for other people?

Let's All Pretend to Be Perfect and Happy

Last night I went to the teachers drinking dinner party for one of my schools, here in Japan, and I saw some of the teachers actually smoking at the restaurant. I realized that I had a certain image of them that was really not who they really were. I realized that they felt comfortable enough at the dinner to whip out their dirty little habit and light it up for all to take a whiff of.

Today is Sunday and because I woke up at 12:30pm, and then got out of bed at 1:00pm, I decided that I wouldn't be making it to church today. Instead I'm at home, making a sad effort to clean and tidy up my mess of an "appaato" (apartment) and I am listening to Amy Poehler's autobiography in audiobook format. (Perhaps that's why I feel the need to be incredibly sassy in the blog post.)

I got to thinking about the dinners I have with the peeps from Every Nation Yokohama Church and I thought about how I always feel the pressure to keep myself in check and to make sure that I keep up a polite Christian image. I can't say any cheeky sexual jokes (which I throughly enjoy), and if I order an alcoholic beverage I need to remember that I'll probably get the side-eye glances from my neighboring Christian brethren. Sure there are a few people who I know are just as blasé as I am, and really wouldn't mind it if I let all my junk-in-the-trunk hang out, but sadly they are not the only people at those dinners.

I just find it sad that I feel this way, and that other people feel the need to put on a show for me and the other folks around.

And then I got this email...

Last night, or rather very early this morning around 6am, I decided to take pictures of my nose and send it to a few plastic surgery clinics for online consultation. And today I got this email back. It's exactly what I was wanting from the consultation, but at the same time I have so many mixed emotions about changing my nose.

On one hand, I've been wanting to do this for most of my life and everything is falling into place for me to do it. I have the funds. I have friends who will take care of me for 2 days of recovery. I have the time that I need to recover before going back to work. There is nothing holding me back but myself.

On the other hand, I think about what I want the surgery for and what I want my new face to do for me and my career. It might seem ridiculous, but I think that getting a new face will help me get into the entertainment industry, but the fact is that I don't even want to be a star, I want to be a songwriter and a performer. You don't need a new face for that. What I do need in order to be that is to have connections and resources to become successful in the industry. What I need is the confidence and drive to pursue it even when everything doesn't line up.

It will make much more sense for me to be actually doing things in entertainment before I get the procedure, but then at the same time, what if a new face, backed up with natural talent, will help me become successful?

I keep hearing the familiar voice that tells me "You're not the type of person who gets plastic surgery. You're not rich, or beautiful. You don't have that type of background. You're just not that type of person." "You don't have the confidence or talent to do anything in music, so there's no reason to do this. Don't waste your time and money." "You think that changing your face will make you a better person? You think it will make people like you and accept you? Acceptance and liking comes from confidence, which you don't have. So don't even try."

I'm so afraid that if I do this and nothing happens with my music career, then I'll just be wasting mine and other peoples time and money. I'm afraid that I'll get the surgery and my life will still be the same. I'm afraid that I'll spend all that money and I'll still just be a music industry hopeful.

Good evening,
Thank you for your inquiry and interest in my clinic.
Also thank you for the photo attached.
Looking at the photo you sent, you have
deviated nose
hump
septal deviation
asymmetric nostril
columella deviation ( coming from septal deviation )


I think the procedures below may be necessary for your nasal reshaping.
open rhinoplasty
medial - lateral osteotomy
hump resection
tip-clumella plasty with cartilage graft
nostril plasty with ala reduction technique
I am not sure how would you like to have your nose changed by surgery, some of the procedures above are the indication.
I will let you know the best solution for your situation after I check you.
We are open six days a week except for Thursday from 11am to 7pm in Tokyo/Omtesando clinic.
Please let me know your availability to come in.


Please do not hesitate to ask me if you have any questions or need assistance.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Best regards,
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Hidemi Akai, M.D., PhD.
AKAI MEDICAL CLINIC
KNK bldg. 3F, 3-5-17 Kita-Aoyama,
Minato-ku, Tokyo, 107-0061,Japan
tel: (03) 5771-4114
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Lunch Time In Japanese Schools

Here is a glimpse into my everyday life, here in Japan.