I'm currently in the process of healing from a little virus, and this makes my job a tiny bit more difficult. My engery level has gone down and my voice is gone and my lungs are filled with mucus and it makes teaching, and communicating very hard.
Today, I felt like all of my classes went pretty well, but the last class of the day is always a struggle. They weren't always last and they weren't always a struggle, but now that they are, I have the most difficult time with them. The worst classes are not the rowdy ones. The worst classes are the ones who don't participate and just sit there the whole time and look at you. I'm pretty sure that the problem isn't me because I did the exact lesson with 3 classes earlier in the day, and they all went very well. It's just because it's the end of the day, and because it takes so much effort to try to pay attention to someone who you can't understand to begin with. It's easier to just sit there quietly and hope the meaningless babble will be over soon.
This always makes me feel like a failure, even though I know I did the lesson exactly the way I did it before. Having a class just look at you and wish it was all over sucks... a lot. It drains the energy out of my body and makes me frustrated and that doesn't help them to want to participate, so the situation just gets worse until i come to the conclusion that I'll just do the lesson and not care if they are paying attention or not. I keep telling myself, "Don't focus on that one difficult class. You did a great job in all the others, and it's totally understandable why they just don't seem interested. You would feel the same way if the roles were switched. You have been in their position before. You know what it's like for them. Don't focus on that one little negative thing, when you've done so much good!"
I once asked my company to contact my schools to get a read on how I am doing. My boss told me that they don't usually do that, and that I'm probably doing fine. What I really wanted to hear was that I'm doing a GOOD job, that people like having me there, and that I'm appreciated. I once had a boss in TN tell me that working with children was just a gift I had. It was very simple and quick, but he was serious and I have taken it to heart. That little comment gave me reassurance for every other time I would get things wrong.
There's this 1st grade boy at one of my schools, let's call him Sasuke, who hugs me every time he sees me. I find myself looking forward to his hugs. He might be the only person who hugs me on a regular basis. Now that I think about it, the hugs from those 1st graders might actually be the reason I'm sick... Oh well.
Now, if you're thinking that the next time you see me you are going to hug me... I'm not sure if that would be the best choice. I usually pull away, initially, when people hug me. I don't know why. I love being hugged. I actually used to put my arms to my chest when friends hugged me, because I liked the feeling of their arms squeezing my whole body. I realized how selfish that was when one of my friends thought that I actually didn't like her hugs because I did that, but then I explained to her that it was just the opposite. I told her that I love to absorb as much of her hug as possible. Then I realized that she wasn't getting the same feelings I was, because I wasn't hugging her back.
But why do I pull away? Hugs are very special to me. For me to let someone hug me feels like I'm giving them a part of me that is vulnerable. I don't like being vulnerable. I don't like being in a position where someone could hurt me. Maybe that's why I pull away. I'm not sure.
I'm not sure if it's a cultural thing in Japan but... I just would love to hear when I did a great job. Because those words just might help me get through days like today.
