Thank God, I Was Kicked Out Of Church

 

I have been a Christian for all my life. I grew up in the church. Went to Sunday school. Acted in the annual Christmas musical. Lead the church congregation in songs of worship. Been baptized in the ocean. Prayed for the sinners. Spoke in tongues. I did it all. But all that stopped after I was kicked out of the church.

I had only just started attending Lifehouse Church in Yokohama, before I found myself being threatened with arrest if I was to come back, as if I wanted to go back there. Pastor Josh was a prejudice man, and did not know what to do with a homosexual Christian and because he saw me as a danger to his community he told me that if I came back to his church then he would have me arrested. The crazy thing is, that one of his lame excuses that Pastor Josh came up with to rationalize his decision to kick me out, was because I wouldn't sign an agreement that all church volunteers were required to sign. And one of the two policies that I could not agree with was something about not being "judgmental." (I just didn't agree with the phrasing of the policy, because it was too vague and unclear, and could be interpreted in many different ways.) He was kicking me out of church because I did not agree with a policy about not being judgmental, yet he was going against that exact policy by judging me which lead to his decision to kick me out of church. He was violating the exact church policy, that he was claiming to be kicking me out of the church for not agreeing to! The assistant pastor, Monci, later told me that things might have gone differently if I had told him that I was struggling with homosexuality. The problem with that statement was that, I was not "struggling" with homosexuality. Before I started going to that church I had decided that I was done with struggling with homosexuality. God knew my heart. God knew that I loved Him and trusted Him with my life. So one day I decided that I was not going to worry about homosexuality anymore. Me and my sexuality is in God's hands, and I trust Him to have His way in my sexuality and my life. And that was the end of the life-long struggle of trying to change something about myself that clearly was not going to change, and was not meant to "change" but rather naturally evolve and develop. So, I never told anyone that I was "struggling" with my sexuality because honestly, I had already gave it to God and trusted Him to do with it as He saw fit. And by the way, releasing the worry and struggle with my sexuality was incredibly freeing, and was one of the best revelations that I have ever had regarding my relationship with my heavenly Father.

The problem with the Christian church is that they believe everyone needs to be "saved", and by that they mean that everyone needs to become a Christian, as if Christians have all the answers. Growing up within the church, I totally believed this delusion. And thank God I was kicked out of church! Because I now see how limited the Christian religious view of God is. Granted the Christian religion has a lot of insight into the mystery and complexity of God, but there is so much more to who God is outside of a religion, and the problem with the Christian church is that they believe that God can only be defined within their religious guidelines. There is so much more to God than what can be found within a religion.

I realized this one day when I was listening to the book, Jesus Calling, and thought about how I always hear people say things about "the universe" and all that new age stuff about it. So I started praying and I asked God, "Are you the universe?" And he replied, "I am the conductor of the universe." And I was like, "Yes! Of course, You are!" It was so simple and clear. God is not "the universe" but rather He is the mind of the universe, the conductor of the great symphony that is our reality.

And that is when I realized that I could still believe in God and Jesus Christ, without having to be a part of a religious organization.

I knew that when Pastor Josh told me that if I came back to the church that he would have me arrested, it was a life altering moment for me. I knew that my life would never be the same after that. But what I didn't know was that I would one day be grateful for his prejudice actions.

My Greatest Weakness

For as long as I can remember I have been attracted to guys. And for as long as I can remember, I have always shamed myself for it. I grew up in an American Christian culture, and homosexuality is a clear sin according to that cultures standards. For as long as I can remember, I have tried to change my sexuality and have failed over and over again.

I am now in a more accepting place of myself and my feelings. I no longer shame myself for feeling a way that I don't have the power to change. I no longer allow myself to feel bad about having sexual feeling toward another man. I'm fully over hating myself for not being able to change into someone that other people think that I should be. I'm in a better place, and the main catalyst that helped me grow into the man that I am today is being kicked out of church.

I am a believer in calling. I believe that God has given each person unique gifts and abilities to be used to better humanity and the course of our eternal story. And although I have been given many gifts from my Creator, one of my gifts that I have chosen to incorporate into my career is being able to work with children. Not everyone is blessed with this ability. This is truly a gift that only a few people have and He chose to give it to me to better the World. And I have done exactly that. I do it everyday through teaching and counciling, and coaching. But that life transforming event of being kicked out of church, could have stopped me from achieving all that I have done these past years.

I was attending a church in Yokohama, Japan called Lifehouse International Church Yokohama, and one day I got a phone call from one of the leaders. He said that he got a message from a former attendee, someone who had not been to that church for over a year, and the message said some very slanderous things about me. It said that I was a pedofile. I was shocked, I didn't know where this was coming from. I didn't know why this person, who had not been to the church over a year, was all of a sudden messaging the leader of the church and saying such horrible things about me. I knew who this person was, and I had never been around him when I was working with children, so I didn't understand why he was spreading this horrible rumor about me.

One day when I went to church, the head pastor, Josh, took me aside and told me that he didn't want me to be around anyone younger than me. I told him that 80% of the people inside the service was younger than me, how is that possible? He realized that it wasn't, so he told me that I could never come back to church again, and if I did he would have me arrested. I sympathized with him. I told him that I understood that he was doing what he thought he needed to do to protect his followers. This made sense to me because even I hated myself at that time. I thought that there was something wrong with me because of being homosexual, so I accepted why he was kicking me out of church.

Only years later did I realize how wrong my thinking was, and the true reason why Pastor Josh kicked me out of church. He was acting out of fear of something that he didn't understand, and prejudice against homosexuals. And I was acting out of the same reasons too. I finally realized that the shame and hatred that I had toward myself and my sexuality was my greatest weakness. It was my greatest mistake.

Thank God that He is not confined to a building! Thank God that even though I was kicked out of church, I wasn't kicked out of my relationship with Him. Because of this grace, I was able to continue to grow spiritually and understand who He is more, who I am more, and how much my Creator loves and accepts me. And if He loves and accepts me, then I should love and accept myself, because if I didn't then that would be going against what He wants, and that would be wrong. So I decided to choose to love myself, and understand myself, and better myself, and become the man who He created me to be, instead of the person that the church wanted me to be.

God has given you a special calling. He has formed you with unique interests and abilities that make you perfect to help others and to make a positive difference in this world. And when people slander your name, and tear you down, just see it as their way of confirming that you are on the right path. Keep learning and growing to become the person that you were created to be, and don't let anyone steal that from you! Not ever!