I asked God to tell me what to do next, and give me the strength and courage to do it.

About a month ago, I was watching a message where the minister asked the audience to think of one area in their life that they were very happy in. I realized that there was no area in my life that I felt completely happy and content in. And this realization made me so sad. I couldn't understand why that was. Then God told me that it's because I don't have joy anymore. He told me that even the people around me can feel that I am missing my joy. 

This past June, I was kicked out of the church I was attending, Lifehouse Yokohama. The pastor, named Josh, told me that I am a dangerous person and he doesn't want me around his congregation. It was such an impacting statement, and once he said it, something told me, that I shouldn't accept what he just said as a fact and believe that about myself. I shouldn't take those words into myself and accept them as my identity. But another part of me wondered if what he was saying was right, because I have heard the devil telling me that same thing over and over again for the past 3 years. The devil kept telling me that I am a terrible Christian and that I am a danger to the other church people. The reason why I knew it was the devil is because, the devil wanted me to seclude myself from the church and be in a position where I wouldn't be able to grow within the body of Christ. Isn't it crazy that the exact thing that the devil had been telling me for so many years, came out of the mouth of my pastor. How could I not at least consider it to be true, when my own pastor was telling me the exact thing that I had been hearing for so many years. 

I should probably tell you why the pastor kicked me out. It's kind of a long story. I don't even know where to begin.

About 3 years ago I used to attend a church called Every Nation Yokohama. There I met 2 friends, Wong and Shige. They were both non-Christians but really enjoyed going to services because of the friendly atmosphere. I thought they were both very good looking guys and I flirted with both of them to try to get them to like me. Wong and I became very good friends. Shige and I became very good friends. 

Shige and I would talk about doing music together, but after trying to do a few songs with him, I realized that we didn't really connect musically. But I didn't tell Shige this. I just never pursued doing music with him again, but I still wanted to be friends. I thought that that's what he wanted too. But I think he was actually really upset at me because I never asked him to play music with me again.

Wong and I were really good friends too. Wong wanted to be friends too and I wanted the same, but one day I got really drunk with Wong and was very handsy with him. He seemed to enjoy it and thought it was funny and amusing. Even after that day, we would be really close with each other but we were only friends and that's all we both wanted. I didn't want anything more.

One night Shige, Wong, and I went to a small concert. I had already assumed that Shige only wanted to be friends because he would never respond to my flirting (neither negatively or positively. just not real reaction at all.). But Wong on the other hand, enjoyed my flirting and was totally fine with it. That night we were all having a really nice time. But when were we on the train heading home Shige gave me an off look when he saw me be very cuddly with Wong. 

After that Shige didn't talk to me for about 6 months. Every now and then, I would try to see how he was doing and ask to meet up, with no responds. I didn't know what was wrong. All I knew was that he didn't like it when he saw me being touchy with Wong. I had no idea why he was upset. When he did finally contact me, all he said was to take down certain pictures that he was in on facebook. So I did, but I asked him why, and he didn't respond. Another 6 months go by, and it has now been a year since I last saw him, and after I checked up on him again, he again asks me to take down other pictures that he is in on my facebook and now on my instagram too. I tell him that I will do it once he explains to me why the heck he stopped talking to me and why he is asking me to take down these pictures. He then sends me very threatening messages about how it's illegal to post pictures of other people and that he will call the police on me. He then calls me a child predator and says that he will throw me into jail if I don't do what he says. I am totally shocked by this. I had no idea where all this rage was coming from. I hadn't spoken with him for a year, and I had no idea that he had so much anger and hatred toward me. He then tells my pastor, named Monci, of Lifehouse Yokohama church (who Shige knew but hasn't spoken to in a year), that I have illegal pictures of Shige on facebook and that I am a child predator. Pastor Monci then tells his boss pastor, Josh, the head of the church, about this and also tells Josh about this time when he saw me sitting on a packed out couch (there was maybe 5 people sitting on the couch at the same time), in the lap of a member that goes to the church (let's call him Masa).

Now I need to back track and tell you that Masa, used to hold my hand when we did things together in a group. Masa would hug me and hold me when he saw me in church. Sometimes we would be walking side-by-side and he would take my hand and hold it. I have no problem with people holding my hand and it was very comforting, but I was never sexually or romantically attracted to Masa.

Anyways, pastor Josh, after hearing that Shige called me a child predator and hearing that Monci saw me being touchy with Masa on a sofa, then decides that I should be kicked out of the church because he deems that I am dangerous. Prior to this, pastor Josh has only had positive interactions with me. Anything that he would ask me to do, to help out the church I would do without complaint or question. Josh didn't even talk to me before making the decision (of kicking me out) to see what is true or not, he just knows that my sexuality is different than others and he didn't want me in his church anymore. That's when he tells me that I am a dangerous person and that if I ever come back to church again, he will have me arrested by the police. Can you imagine how traumatizing that was for me to hear? I don't ever see myself healing from something like that. I believe that that pastor was acting not out of a well informed place, but was instead acting our of his own prejudice, thinking that if I am the type of guy that flirts with other guys, I must also be a child predator. I had never experienced such prejudice in my life.

For some reason, with Jesus Christ, I will always be accepted and welcomed, but when it comes to His people, His hands and feet on this Earth, if I am not the kind of person that fits into their church mold, then I am seen as a predator and a dangerous person. When it comes to God's people, I am told that if they see me again, they will have me arrested for stepping foot into the house of God, because I am not welcome there anymore, not because of who I actually am, but because of what their prejudice says about me.

You know how they say that the best place to find your mate is within the church. I truly believed that and took it to heart. Because I was trying to find a boyfriend, the church was one of the places that I would try to find one. I mean, if I got a Christian boyfriend, then we would have a lot of things in common such as beliefs and values, which are very important in a relationship. So what better place to find a mate than in church, right? Well, it turns out that if my sexuality is different than others, then I am not allowed to find love within the church. Not only am I not allowed to look for love within the church, I am considered "dangerous" if I actively look for it there. I can not imagine a girl being kicked out of church for sitting on the lap of another girl, or a boy's lap for that matter. Especially when everyone was just having a good time and the couch was packed. I can't imagine a girl being kicked out of church for flirting with a guy, but when it's a homosexual thing it gives the pastor cause to kick me out of church.

There was a man who was kicked out of the church a few weeks before me, and I felt so bad for him. I could see that he was being bound by so many troubles in his life, and he was searching for someone to help him. He kept asking people to hangout but everyone was uncomfortable with hanging out with him. No one ever welcomed him in. I wonder if they could see what I saw in him. Maybe the reason why I knew what was happening to him on the inside is because, the same thing was happening to me. I felt trapped and bound in a darkness just like he was. Whenever I looked at him, I saw myself. And then when I heard that he was kicked out of the church (for going kinda crazy during a service) I felt like it was just a matter of time till I was kicked out as well, because we were going through the same thing. We were both stuck and struggling, trying to reach out for help but never being able to get freedom.

I forgot to mention that before Josh decided to kick me out of church, he instead told me that I wasn't allowed to talk or interact with anyone younger than me. He said that if I interacted with anyone younger than me, then we would have a big problem. This would also mean that if someone came up to me to talk with me or greet me, I would need to walk away from them, without explanation. More than 75% of the people that go to that church is younger than me, so Josh was telling me that I wasn't allowed to talk to more than 75% of the people at that church. How is that even possible? I mean, I would not have been able to even be near 75% of the people at the church. What did he expect me to do, stand in a corner during praise and worship time, just to make sure I am away from 75% of the people at the church? Ridiculous. And prejudice. And impossible. And cruel.

I haven't been to a church since. It's been 3 months. I have changed sooooo much ever since that incident. I have started being more open about my sexuality and have been telling more people that I like guys. I don't know why this traumatic event caused me to become more open about myself. Maybe, it's because I realized that no matter if I say it or not, people are either going to accept me or reject me, and I would rather be honest and upfront about myself, so that when they accept me or reject me, I'll know that they are accepting or rejecting me for being me. And it was just too hard to hide my sexuality anymore. I want a boyfriend and how am I ever supposed to have a relationship, if I'm trying to keep my sexuality on the down low?

Ever since I realized that I am not fully happy in any area in my life, and that the reason for this is because I am missing joy, I have been really wanting to find a new church. But at them same time I have this thought in the back of my mind. "They rejected me before, why would another church accept me? Aren't they all one church anyways?" Last week Sunday, I woke up early to go to church. I got ready and everything but as I was on the way to Yokohama Hope Chapel, I realized that the place where they were having their service that particular morning was in the same building that my last church has it's services, the one with the pastor that told me that if I ever stepped a foot back into his church again, he would have me arrested. So I turned my butt back around and just went back home because I didn't feel safe going to church.

I know that I need to be in a Christian community. I need people who can speak wisdom, and guidance into my life. I need to be around others who are in constant communication with God, because right now I feel so far from Him. I can't hear His voice clearly anymore. And I want to. But I am so afraid of going back into a church. Because I know that there are things about myself that are not up to the standard of the modern day Christian church. I am worried that Christians will reject me, or worse be afraid of me. It's like being in a hole that I can't climb out of. I want someone who understands that even though I have my baggage, and even though some bitter person has slandered my name, they can know all of that information (my sexuality, my story of being kicked out of a church, my mess ups, my slandered name, my fears) and still not be afraid to reach out to me. I'm so afraid that there isn't a church that will show that level of grace toward me. It feels like too much to ask for.

While I was watching a message online I asked God, "What do you want me to do next? And give me the courage and strength to do it," because I know that He has been calling to me. God replied that tonight, all He wants me to do is really grasp His love for me. At the end of the sermon, they play a short film about a father who does triathlons with his handi-capable son. While the father runs, his son is being pushed in a big stroller. While the father is swimming, his son is being pulled in a raft. While the father bikes, his son is riding in a connected cart. God was telling me that I am that boy. He can't move for himself. He can't lift himself. He can't do anything without being carried by his father. That is me! I am stuck and trapped. I am immobilized and handicap but he is carrying me, and pulling me, and pushing me toward the finish line. And He does it all, just because He loves me. And that is what He told me to do next. To try to understand that kind of love. The kind of love that carries me through even though I am not worthy of it, even though I am not even able to stand on my own, even though others won't stand with me. He is there, pulling me toward the finish line to victory, and he even pointed out that when the father crossed the finish line, his son felt just as much a winner as his father felt. And that is what He told me that I will feel when I reach the finish line. I'll feel accomplished and victorious, even though I didn't do any of the work, it was all Him yet all for me.